How to Have a Threesome (your detailed guide)

In theory, having a threesome seems like it would be the best sex of your life. After all, Hollywood and porno flicks make threesomes look simple and uncomplicated. In practice, though, it actually takes a lot of work to have a threesome. With a threesome, there’s more of everything: more body parts, naked flesh, hands touching you, mouths on skin, emotions, people to please, people to disappoint and more work to do. You get more of the good and more of the bad.

Knowing the steps to take beforehand can definitely cut down on the bad and improve all the fun stuff, though, and we’re here to help with that. If you read and follow our guide, you can ensure you have a successful threesome. In this guide, we’ve broken down all the main topics for you:

How to Have a Threesome

What Exactly Is a Threesome?

A threesome is known by many names. Some people call it a ménage à trois, a throuple or a threeway. Whatever name you give it, it’s the act of having sex with two other partners at the same time. There doesn’t necessarily have to be penetration on everyone involved for it to be considered a threesome either.

If there are three people involved in an intimate, sexual situation, it’s a threesome, regardless of whether or not everyone is “technically” having intercourse. A threesome can be whatever you want it to be. The important thing is that all three people are consenting adults who feel safe and comfortable in the situation. Read on for some of our tips on how to initiate, plan and execute a successful threesome that leaves all three participants satisfied.

How to Find a Threesome Partner

There are several different ways to find a participant for a threeway. You can put ads online, search for local swingers groups or find people at local bars and clubs. For more information on finding a third for your bedroom, check out our comprehensive guide on the subject.

The important thing to remember when searching for a third is to be honest upfront. Let him/her know you want to initiate a threesome and that there’s going to be someone else in the bedroom with the two of you. Also make sure you communicate regularly with your partner so that s/he feels comfortable during the whole process. Even if you think you’ve found the perfect unicorn for the bedroom, you can’t have a successful threesome if your partner isn’t onboard with the choice as well.

9 Tips on Having the Perfect Threesome

In a study conducted by sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller, it was determined that 95% of men and 87% of women had fantasized about having a threesome at some point. Despite those incredibly high numbers of people who wanted to have a threesome, though, a 2017 study found that only 18% of men and 10% of women had ever actually had one.

What this shows is that most people just don’t know how to have a threesome. Maybe they don’t know how to find a partner to have a threeway with, or maybe they don’t know how they would possibly start a threesome once all three people were willing. Whatever the reason, there are a lot of people out there being left with their desires unfulfilled. If you’re one of those people, hopefully these tips will help you feel more confident in your ability to have a good threesome and allow you to make your dreams a reality.

1. Discuss Everything with Your Partner

One of the most common questions associated with threesomes is, “How does a threesome work?” If you don’t talk openly and honestly with your partner first, the only answer to that question is that it doesn’t. Communication is key when attempting to have a threeway. You and your partner must be on the same page. You both have to want to have a threesome; you both have to decide whether you want a male or female third; you both have to decide how you’re going to choose your unicorn.

Talk to your partner openly and often. It’s important you both feel safe and comfortable throughout the entire process. If done correctly, a threesome can actually bring you and your partner closer together. Once the two of you finally settle on a third, it’s just as important to communicate openly and often with that person as well.

2. Decide What Type of Threesome You Want

There are four main threesome possibilities – two involving partners of the opposite gender and two involving partners of a uniform gender. Put simply, you can have the following types of threesomes:

  • Have a threesome with two girls and one guy (FMF)
  • Have a threesome with two guys and one girl (MMF)
  • Have a threesome with all females (FFF)
  • Have a threesome with all males (MMM)

This is another one of those things you and your partner should discuss early on in the process. It’s important that you both agree on the dynamic and that you’re both comfortable with it. If not, feelings can get hurt and resentments can arise.

3. Find Your Partner

(Note: Again, for tips on how to find a threesome partner, visit our guide on the subject here.)

After you’ve determined what type of threesome you’d like to have, the next step is finding a partner. In this situation, most people opt for a unicorn – a relative stranger who comes into your life for the sole purpose of this threesome and then leaves again, no strings attached and no awkwardness left behind. However, many people have actually had good luck using a close friend as a third. Again, the important thing is to communicate and make sure everyone involved feels comfortable with the choice.

4. Get Consent and Define All the Rules/Boundaries

This part is super important. Consent is everything in any type of sexual relationship, including a threesome. Everyone involved should be there because s/he wants to be there, not because s/he feels forced into it for any reason.

You should also figure out everyone’s boundaries beforehand, especially if you’re hoping to bring a little bit of kink into the threesome. There are certain things people just aren’t comfortable doing, and those things need to be addressed immediately. This could be something as small as whether or not it’s okay to kiss and/or talk dirty to all participants to larger issues like anal sex, BDSM, oral sex and more. As long as all of this is discussed upfront, there should be no surprises and no one getting uncomfortable or hurt during the process.

5. Establish a Safe Word

Even when you’ve gotten consent from everyone involved and discussed everyone’s boundaries, you should still establish a safe word. Although threesomes can be amazing, every now and then, once one begins, someone involved starts to feel uncomfortable and wants to stop. Maybe this happens because the threeway isn’t living up to someone’s expectations, or perhaps someone just realizes s/he’s in over his/her head. Either way, consent is only consent until someone says stop.

If you’re having a bit of rough play or role playing in your threesome though, it can be difficult to tell when someone is saying stop because s/he actually wants to stop or because s/he’s simply playing the role. That’s why establishing a safe word is so important. That way, at any time, if someone begins to feel uncomfortable or wants to stop for any reason, all parties involved will know immediately that this is real, and they need to stop.

6. Have Enough Space

As we’ve already mentioned, when you have a threesome, there’s more of everything. This means you’re going to need more room than you and your partner usually need for just the two of you. Consider where you want to have your threesome – bed, floor, kitchen table? Wherever you plan to have it, you have to make sure there’s enough space to have it comfortably.

7. Try Not to Couple Up

The important thing to remember about having a threeway is that there are three people involved. You’re probably thinking, “Well… yeah. That’s the point!” In the heat of the action, though, it’s easy to pay attention to one person more than the other. That often leaves the third person feeling unattractive, undesirable and unsatisfied. You have to make a conscious effort to spend as much time, energy and affection on both the other people in the threeway.

This can be especially problematic if you’ve been in a long-term, committed relationship with one person and are now bringing a third person into that equation. The tendency will be to show your regular partner more affection. You have to make sure you don’t do that.

8. Be Creative

As long as the rules and boundaries that have been discussed between all of you aren’t crossed, don’t be scared to go outside your normal routines. A threesome is a chance to explore new things. As long as everyone’s onboard with it, try things you’ve never tried before – not just positions but also role playing, light BDSM, dirty talk or even oral and anal sex if that isn’t part of your normal routine. This is a chance to be adventurous. Take it.

9. Always Put Safety First

“Being safe” means a lot of different things, and all of them are important. If you’re going to have a threesome with one or even two new partners, don’t be shy about discussing sexual health. Make sure you know about any diseases or physical limitations beforehand.

Another part of being safe is getting consent. We’ve discussed this already, but it’s important enough to say it twice. Everyone must be consenting because s/he wants to do so, not because s/he’s feeling coerced, pressured or forced. Having the limitations and boundaries talk is also an important part of being safe.

Finally, be safe in what you use. Use condoms. Women, use birth control. Use dental dams. Use whatever you need to use to feel safe and secure. It’s also safe to be prepared.

Have extra supplies close at hand in case you need them. These include extra condoms, wipes and/or tissues, bottles of water, lubrication, etc. If you plan to use toys or extra accessories in your threesome, have those close at hand as well.

A Threesome ‘Don’t List’

Here’s a list of things you definitely shouldn’t do while planning or having your threesome. Doing these things can be a surefire way to blow the whole thing.

  • Don’t pressure your partner into doing anything s/he doesn’t want to do.
  • Don’t be afraid to take a break for water, the bathroom, etc.
  • Don’t emulate porno flicks you’ve seen. You’re not Ron Jeremy or Jenna Jameson. Don’t try to be.
  • Don’t neglect one partner in favor of the other.
  • Don’t cross any pre-set boundaries.
  • Don’t be possessive or jealous.
  • Don’t be afraid to laugh and act a little silly.
  • Don’t push yourself beyond your limits.
  • Don’t compare yourself to the other people in the threesome.
  • Don’t be afraid to express what you want.
  • Don’t assume threesomes are only for the young or for men.

Follow these guidelines, and you’re sure to have a successful threesome that pleases everyone involved.

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